Painful Truths
by Lovingh3art
Summary: Merlin wrestles with the inner consequences of a choice he made in "The Sins of the Father." He talks to Gaius, who knows a thing or two about having to keep a horrible secret. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, Arthur, and Gaius from the BBC television series** _ **Merlin.**_ **It's a great series and this fanfic is meant to service a concept I wanted to expand upon. No profit is made from this.**

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Something was clearly amiss. Gaius had taken an unnaturally long walk around the castle, looking for one person in particular; his apprentice, Merlin. He'd not been seen ever since their tense breakfast that morning. After looking around the tavern and the local markets, he decided to check the corridors of the castle. They were busy as they were sparse, but that didn't rule out the possibility. The court physician was just about to give up, meandering through the wine corridors, when he swore he saw a shadow sitting in the one he'd just passed.

He breathed a sigh of relief when his eyes rested upon Merlin's form, but then he felt something wrong. It wasn't magic as much as it was a feeling he knew all too well: a thought that bothered him so much, it froze him in place.

"Merlin?" The warlock looked over his shoulder and locked eyes with Gaius, calming once he saw it was his mentor.

"Gaius? What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, it seems." He strolled over and motioned to sit down, so his apprentice obliged by scooting over to make room on the bench. As he took a seat, Gaius saw that Merlin had a cloth in one hand and a spare plate of armor in the other.

"Polishing armor?" He asked curiously.

Merlin glanced down to what he holding, shrugging. "Arthur needed me to ready his gear again. There's a neighboring king coming over in three days and he wants to 'look good in it.' His exact words, not mine."

"Nothing you can't handle, I'm sure."

"You could say that," Merlin said bitterly. He glanced anew at the shoulder piece in his grasp, focusing his attention on it.

And there it was again, the sudden change in his tone. Usually, Merlin was the cheerful one who could keep comedy afoot even in the darkest of situations. But today it was like all the joy had been drained out of him. As much as he didn't want to, Gaius had to ask what was up, and then just maybe they could address it.

"Merlin…" he began, "…what is bothering you?"

Not looking up, Merlin replied. "Nothing. Just focused on this task for Arthur."

Gaius cocked an impatient eyebrow. "You may play a fool, but you don't do a liar that well."

"Gaius…"

"Just tell me," the elder physician demanded crossly.

Huffing, Merlin put the cloth and piece of armor on the ground. He scanned the door to make sure nobody was nearby and then turned back to his mentor.

"How did you live with it, Gaius?"

"Live with what?"

"…Keeping a secret, one so huge you feel suffocated at times not talking about it to the people you should." Merlin's face fell, peering to the spare wine bottles littering the nearby shelves. "It's not about me having magic…it's just…I told Arthur a lie, and every day I have to reassure myself that I did the right thing. But I don't feel that way."

"This is about the truth of his birth? What Morgause showed you both?" Gaius asked. Merlin nodded, and suddenly it all became clearer, his little suspicions and theories building into a completed understanding. "The way I see it, Merlin, you saved Uther's life. You believed Arthur wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did it, didn't you?"

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I did…but now I know the truth about how he was conceived, Gaius. All those people Uther killed when he used magic in the first place, and even Arthur's convinced of that! It's not fair…"

Neither spoke for a bit, the only sounds heard were small creaks and shifts in the wine cellar.

Gaius linked his fingers and darted his gaze to the boy. "As sad as it may seem, Merlin, I was in your shoes once. I understand the pains of…harboring these kinds of secrets."

The warlock's eyes lighted up at the remark. "When did you find out?" He asked, almost as if it were a demand.

"Right after it happened," replied Gaius. "When I was just beginning in Uther's court, he and I were just like you and Arthur – close friends despite our different positions. In some ways, I was his confidant. A source he could depend on for secrets. So when Ygraine died from giving birth, he told me at once."

"Even though you were a sorcerer?" Merlin looked astonished.

"Yes," Gaius stated. A cold and heavy fog has cast itself onto his visage. "You have to understand; when you lose someone in what should've been routine, everything becomes…grim. Uther lost the woman he loved thanks to something he'd deemed innocent. Yes, he knew of the consequences, and he had a hand in it, but like any other man or woman, he chose to take the risk. He just didn't know what the result would be."

Merlin made sure he fully wavered to look at Gaius. "I don't get it…if you were in such a high position of power, why not tell the truth? Prove Uther was a hypocrite to everyone?"

"…I don't know, Merlin. There may have been times I was close to doing so, but in my heart, I knew that trying to benefit off of the poor woman's death wouldn't help. Spouting something like that would only bring trouble to me, especially from Uther. Furthermore, I didn't want to break his trust."

"But he never treats you like a friend," Merlin said fiercely.

"Merlin!" Gaius was affronted. "What are you- "

"Gaius, I get that you and Uther know each other well, but sometimes he just throws you to the dogs. He had you replaced by Edwin in a heartbeat. He let the Witchfinder punish you in horrible ways for crimes you didn't commit! How can you defend him?" Color had drained from his face in the heart of his rant, and one of his temples was pulsing irrevocably.

The statement hit Gaius hard, his eyes looking down at the wrinkles on his experienced hands. "…Uther is a flawed man, Merlin. As are you, me, and all who reside in Camelot. The man may not make sound judgments sometimes, but that does not mean he doesn't have his good qualities as well.

"Oh, yeah? Like what?" Merlin folded his arms in a stance as if to dare more.

"Arthur."

That stopped Merlin in his tracks. Gaius' frown hardened while his apprentice rested himself against a nearby shelf.

"Uther, for all his faults," continued Gaius, "made a better son that he will ever amount. Arthur is brash, young, and a bit full of himself, but he takes after his mother's sense of honor and his father skills in court. That's what makes him his father's redeeming factor."

"And he should know!" exclaimed Merlin. "If he knew- "

"-then everything you have done for him would be at a loss. He'd turn once more on Uther. Is that something you're willing to let happen?"

Unable to say anything, Merlin sighed and sat back down on the bench. "No."

Once again, the familiar creaking of the boards took up the volume.

"But it's just not fair, Gaius…it's not fair…"

The physician looked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know, Merlin. The best thing I surmise… is that some horrible things have to occur so better ones can take their place. The elder magic might not have long for this world, but here you are, and you're looking to build a nobler one alongside Arthur. That is a reason worth keeping this secret hidden."

Merlin's gaze turned back to him, this time boasting a slow and small, yet sure, smile. "…Then what do we do, Gaius? Just keep quiet?"

Gaius sighed again, running his hands over his pants in the process. "For the foreseeable future, yes. Some truths are better not being known, Merlin, and right now Arthur needs a friend. He doesn't need the past dragging him down, too." His wrinkled face looked Merlin dead in the eyes, but this time a crisp and cheerful smile was there. "Embrace the future of what you two can do."

With that said, he got up and walked to the door. Right before he crossed the step, however, he turned back to his watchful apprentice. "Now, didn't you say you had some armor to polish? Don't want Arthur to think you've gotten soft, now do we?"

Merlin chuckled and gripped the piece of armor. "Classic Gaius. One second, you're being a mentor, the next you've got work for me to do. Is this ever going to end?"

"Maybe if you get a promotion," his mentor explained. Then he realized the look of joy on Merlin's face and decided to continue. "Though considering how much Arthur depends on you, I doubt it."

"Aww… You sounded supportive for a second there."

Gaius smirked and turned back to exiting the room. "See you at dinner, Merlin! Don't be late!" his voice echoed from the hallway.

The young warlock smiled as he grabbed the brush and began the all-too-familiar process all over again. He sure wasn't going to make this job suck, especially after Gaius' pep talk. Even if it was for cleaning armor, he'd make Arthur and him proud.

That was a promise.

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 **Hope people warm up to this. Was I the only one who felt that there was a lot more to unpack from Gaius after we found out he knew all along? And personally, I thought Merlin's decision might have a lot of unexpected weight to it** **later on. But what do you all think? Please comment, favorite, and follow if possible.**


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